Tread softly...

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heavens
-William Butler Yeats-

Void

I normally blog only when I'm really upset, so it's actually a good thing that I blog so infrequently.

It would simply mean that I'm leading a good life with nothing particularly major to whine about :D

Nevertheless, I wanna try to maintain regular updates.... Hmmm I know I've said this a gazillion times........ Oh well, we'll see how it goes :)


So is there something upsetting me that I need to blog about, hence my presence here? Not exactly. Although I really do feel a lil annoyed with myself, for having been so distracted and slacking at work. Sitting around with friends earlier discussing lost opportunities and such, I suddenly felt somewhat blessed that I have a job that is presenting me with really quite incredible lessons. But instead of giving it the 101% attention that it deserves, not just for the sake of the team but really for myself as well, I am taking it for granted. I'm not thinking hard enough, not working hard enough.. basically not doing enough.

I need goddamn motivation. Where has my drive disappeared to? =/

3:38 am

I have been sitting here for the past 10 minutes.. typing and retyping sentences after sentences after sentences. Too many thoughts, too brain dead to fully comprehend them, hence the mixed emotions I'm feeling now. I still can't place a finger on what I'm anxious about exactly, and it's frustrating to say the least.

Without realising it, I have become a rather bitter, unforgiving and egoistical bitch over the 20 odd years I have been living. I am no longer patient enough to empathise. I am less tolerant of people's faults.

It's a painful realisation: I have turned cold.

So much so that I no longer experience joy in its fullest intensity. People or events no longer touch me as much as it used to. I shrug off matters which used to mean a great deal to me.

All of these the effect of life's experiences?

What a colourful life it has been. Many ups and far too many downs. Painful and deep cuts which have conditioned me into coping with issues the dysfunctional ways that I do.

And it's irksome because I sometimes DO realise that I'm working my issues in the worst possible ways, but my selfish ego often stops me from admitting that I could have been wrong. I have been careless with others' feelings. Guilty of the practising one of the main no-no's I preach to others about: Taking things for granted. Taking people for granted.

Taking my own self for granted.

I seem to be moving through life in the monotonous, mechanical motion it has come to be without even realising how I had fixed the nuts and bolts together.

Instead of becoming enlightened as one is supposed to as she progresses through life, I feel more confused and troubled than ever. My negativity rears its ugly head far too often than I would like it to.

It really saddens me that the happy, vibrant part of me is slowly losing out to the bitchy, petty me that I have become.

I miss my own laughters.

An expensive lesson

I think my body clock has been screwed up beyond repair. What a weekend it had been!

What was supposed to be a one night affair became a full blown weekend adventure with minimal sleep and massive obsessive thoughts with winning. At the end of it, when the exhilaration from all the money being passed back and forth fizzled out, my brain was numb and simply too drained to really figure out the effect of the loss on me until my next paycheque comes in.

It was expensive, that's for sure. And also scary how unrestrained sometimes I could be.

Thoughts

Tonight I'm feeling unhappy.

Has it got to do with something that someone pointed out today, whether or not it was true? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe just a little. Yes, just a little. I have decided that it wasn't worth my time or energy being upset with what other people think of me. I have decided that I would base my self worth on my own perceptions, not others'. Especially when they weren't true, and were mainly inaccurate interpretations of my personality.

While tossing and turning on my bed just a while ago, something crossed my mind. It's true that I do have a tendency of sticking to my comfort zone. Just like sometimes how I would choose to spend time with him, rather than going out to meet people, simply because I am comfortable with him. Maybe from now onwards, I shouldn't and I wouldn't.

So I do have my guilty moments of cosying up to my comfort zone... but I do believe that I have done as much as I could to break my level of comfort. I believe that I am meant for greater things in life and have taken some steps (albeit small ones) to achieve some certain goals. It's true that most of these successes have not materialised. And until now, at the age of 26, I am still rather clueless about how to go about realising them.

And this is probably what I am unhappy about tonight.

Money problems

"There are two kinds of money problems. One problem is not enough money and the other is too much money. Which one do I want?"

Soul and Bossa

Once in a while, old friends drift back into your life to remind you of some of the many lil joys in life.

And you're swept back in blissful memory... to the day you discovered Lisa Ono <3