3:38 am

I have been sitting here for the past 10 minutes.. typing and retyping sentences after sentences after sentences. Too many thoughts, too brain dead to fully comprehend them, hence the mixed emotions I'm feeling now. I still can't place a finger on what I'm anxious about exactly, and it's frustrating to say the least.

Without realising it, I have become a rather bitter, unforgiving and egoistical bitch over the 20 odd years I have been living. I am no longer patient enough to empathise. I am less tolerant of people's faults.

It's a painful realisation: I have turned cold.

So much so that I no longer experience joy in its fullest intensity. People or events no longer touch me as much as it used to. I shrug off matters which used to mean a great deal to me.

All of these the effect of life's experiences?

What a colourful life it has been. Many ups and far too many downs. Painful and deep cuts which have conditioned me into coping with issues the dysfunctional ways that I do.

And it's irksome because I sometimes DO realise that I'm working my issues in the worst possible ways, but my selfish ego often stops me from admitting that I could have been wrong. I have been careless with others' feelings. Guilty of the practising one of the main no-no's I preach to others about: Taking things for granted. Taking people for granted.

Taking my own self for granted.

I seem to be moving through life in the monotonous, mechanical motion it has come to be without even realising how I had fixed the nuts and bolts together.

Instead of becoming enlightened as one is supposed to as she progresses through life, I feel more confused and troubled than ever. My negativity rears its ugly head far too often than I would like it to.

It really saddens me that the happy, vibrant part of me is slowly losing out to the bitchy, petty me that I have become.

I miss my own laughters.