Les heures ou je m'eclipse

Soft, whispery vocals in the background while we slowly drift into slumber...

<3


Item #37 on my bucket list: Speak fluent French in France.

I'm taking lessons next year :)

As I watch the world pass by...

Sometimes it scares me how it seems like my life appears to be on a continuous slow mo while everyone else's lives barrel forward. The wedding. The new husband. The new wife. New parents and their new children. The high flying careers. The fancy apartment and its state of the art gym. The next Air Asia holiday. The spanking new thingamajigs.

(I must say, Facebook is a great tool to voyeur on others. Teehee.)

I sometimes wonder, would things be different now if I had chosen the right path from the very beginning? Would my own Facebook page be packed filled with the above elements? Would the right path then would had been the right path? I had thought my path then was right for me, but years on I have realised the naivety that pervaded my mind. During dinner earlier I spoke of immaturity. Truth be told, I was nowhere near grown up myself. I was Queen of Irresponsibility, Ignorance, Incorrigibility. (Note the jarring discrepancy with my company's three I's. Hahaha.)

So what has gone wrong in my own life? Why had I made such bad decisions? What happened to the dreams I was chasing? Have they merely been dreams? I KNOW they still matter. I lust after pleasure, and I crave for intimacy. I want to exude passion in a way that it focuses attention on me. I am hungry for success. I dream big dreams. Always have. Which is why many decisions I've made in the past have been inclined to what I had perceived as greatness. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be seen as special. To have the privilege of doing something that not many of my kind could do. It was supposed to be the best decision I had ever made.

But it wasn't. It was one of the biggest decisions I had made in life, and one of the worst I ever made. It was a great lesson, but a regrettable one.

I figure disillusion has set in sometime in the past year. Or maybe 5 years ago. I can't be sure. I am not getting to where I want to get to fast enough. Working life hasn't been all I had imagined it to be. Realisation has hit me.

I've realised that am not happy. It scares me that I am at the wrong end of my 20's and that I have yet to accomplish many things in life.

I look around and suddenly everyone is married, promoted, or migrated.

I need to move forward to the next big thing. Happiness can't be that elusive.

So cradle your head in your hands and breathe...

For the ten millionth time in my life, I've feel like I'm standing at the bottom of the well looking up. Up at the bright circle at a distance beyond reach, the circle which you know opens to a whole different world, a world where darkness ceases and sunlight embraces.

There's one of me up there somewhere. I need to climb out this miserable vent and hunt her down.

Tread softly...

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heavens
-William Butler Yeats-

Void

I normally blog only when I'm really upset, so it's actually a good thing that I blog so infrequently.

It would simply mean that I'm leading a good life with nothing particularly major to whine about :D

Nevertheless, I wanna try to maintain regular updates.... Hmmm I know I've said this a gazillion times........ Oh well, we'll see how it goes :)


So is there something upsetting me that I need to blog about, hence my presence here? Not exactly. Although I really do feel a lil annoyed with myself, for having been so distracted and slacking at work. Sitting around with friends earlier discussing lost opportunities and such, I suddenly felt somewhat blessed that I have a job that is presenting me with really quite incredible lessons. But instead of giving it the 101% attention that it deserves, not just for the sake of the team but really for myself as well, I am taking it for granted. I'm not thinking hard enough, not working hard enough.. basically not doing enough.

I need goddamn motivation. Where has my drive disappeared to? =/

3:38 am

I have been sitting here for the past 10 minutes.. typing and retyping sentences after sentences after sentences. Too many thoughts, too brain dead to fully comprehend them, hence the mixed emotions I'm feeling now. I still can't place a finger on what I'm anxious about exactly, and it's frustrating to say the least.

Without realising it, I have become a rather bitter, unforgiving and egoistical bitch over the 20 odd years I have been living. I am no longer patient enough to empathise. I am less tolerant of people's faults.

It's a painful realisation: I have turned cold.

So much so that I no longer experience joy in its fullest intensity. People or events no longer touch me as much as it used to. I shrug off matters which used to mean a great deal to me.

All of these the effect of life's experiences?

What a colourful life it has been. Many ups and far too many downs. Painful and deep cuts which have conditioned me into coping with issues the dysfunctional ways that I do.

And it's irksome because I sometimes DO realise that I'm working my issues in the worst possible ways, but my selfish ego often stops me from admitting that I could have been wrong. I have been careless with others' feelings. Guilty of the practising one of the main no-no's I preach to others about: Taking things for granted. Taking people for granted.

Taking my own self for granted.

I seem to be moving through life in the monotonous, mechanical motion it has come to be without even realising how I had fixed the nuts and bolts together.

Instead of becoming enlightened as one is supposed to as she progresses through life, I feel more confused and troubled than ever. My negativity rears its ugly head far too often than I would like it to.

It really saddens me that the happy, vibrant part of me is slowly losing out to the bitchy, petty me that I have become.

I miss my own laughters.

An expensive lesson

I think my body clock has been screwed up beyond repair. What a weekend it had been!

What was supposed to be a one night affair became a full blown weekend adventure with minimal sleep and massive obsessive thoughts with winning. At the end of it, when the exhilaration from all the money being passed back and forth fizzled out, my brain was numb and simply too drained to really figure out the effect of the loss on me until my next paycheque comes in.

It was expensive, that's for sure. And also scary how unrestrained sometimes I could be.