When others don't have faith

Another blog entry 5 minutes after I've published my previous entry? After everything I've said about filling up this blog? Wow, I must really be trying to prove something!

Hahahahaha. well, I guess I am in need of pouring my heart out somewhere. And this place seems perfect at the time being.

For some time now, I've been thinking.. about what exactly are my expectations from life. There are the usual - good job, happy marriage, early retirement etc. These are my goals, in a nutshell. Simple and achievable, you all say?

Well, happy marriage and early retirement are simply unthinkable at the moment. So let's discuss with the job bit. Some of you may know that I have recently put myself up in the employment market, seeking a job aiming to fulfill certain needs - basic, belongingness and self esteem. Basic needs in terms of grub in my tummy and a roof over my head. Needs of belonging in terms of myself fitting in with the rest of my peers who are mostly working and some earning big bucks. Self esteem needs in terms of a job to enhance my self esteem - that I have the abilities and capabilities to contribute to the society as a competent human being.

So I walked into the interview room today feeling totally confident and positive about clinching this position, no problem. That was, however, me at the peak of my confidence all day. With each passing minute of the day, I slowly began doubting myself. Why did they give each other THE LOOK, was my salary expectation too high? How could I forget to mention a detail so important that could have been THE decisive element in their decision to hire me or not hire me? Why didn't the other lady come and interview me as well, did I fail her test the other day? Why have I forgotten to ask the other important questions, that would have emphasized strongly on my interest to work there?

I tore out bits of hair everytime something else struck me after the interview. "Shit! I forgot to do this". "Fcuk! I forgot about that". All the time wishing there was something I could do to turn back time.

Maybe it's no biggie. It's only ONE job interview.. there'll be others.

Yeah, for sure there'll be others. But this is one of the only two interviews I really wanted to do well in.

What luck had it that I actually scored THE two job interviews that I had hoped for! I had been extremely pleased when I found out, and began preparing as much as I could. My plan was to impress these people senselessly, and when the ball is in both my courts.. *rubs hands in glee*.. The bargaining power would be in my hand, and my ego inflated.

I guess you could say that I have certain expectations about myself. And it's extremely extremely disheartening that I have disappointed the person mattered most to myself - me.

It doesn't help when significant others also stabbed at your already bleeding ego. Your worst fears are realised. That you may actually be incompetent after all.

My self esteem was up in flames at the end of it. It has been struck where it hurts most.

How could I not feel the pain? For a long time I've been wondering if there's seriously something wrong with me. What else could possibly explain the looks of scorn thrown around the house in my presence?

I have hoped for this future job to be a new beginning. Somewhere I would be able to prove my worth. I have been waiting for this for the longest time.

So I really hate feeling like this. Like there was nothing in me that people could take seriously. Like I have nothing to show for myself. Like this flaw would forever be imprinted on me.

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I am.

And the more painful it becomes.

But you know what? I'm gonna sleep this off. When all forms of therapy fail, throw yourself on the bed and start counting sheep.

Nah. I shall count Mini Coopers. :D